Comrade Skywalker: Episode II: Attack of the Comrades
by An Aroused Koala
Summary: Karl Marx's birthday is May 5th. Star Wars day is May 4th. Coincidence? I think not. This is the second installment in the Comrade Skywalker series, which records the trials and tribulations of the legendary Communist leader Anakin Skywalker, as he struggles to liberate the galaxy. (Please read this in the same voice as the Clone Wars opening narration)
1. The Bourgeois Jedi Archives

Chapter One - the Bourgeois Jedi Archives

AN: This is the sequel to COMRADE SKYWALKER: THE PRIVATE PROPERTY MENACE. I would advise you to read that first if you haven't already. Reading these two in conjunction is the most effective way to counter false consciousness.

Also, shout out to HardcoreCommie. What a comrade!

* * *

I strode urgently with my working class legs into the Jedi archives on Coruscant, trying not to scowl at the decadent, bourgeois opulence that surrounded me. I bet it had been privately funded by some twisted corporate sponsor. I couldn't afford to focus on such things, I had more important matters to undertake, like researching Kamino.

"Can I help you with something?" A voice asked. It was Jocasta Nu, a well known capitalist shill. She was watching me apprehensively, probably alarmed by my Che Guevara T-shirt and my growing reputation as a Communist messiah.

"I'm looking for information on a planet called Kamino." I said proletariatly. "What do you have on it?"

"Nothing." She replied in an oppressive voice, her wrinkly face was contorted into a nervous grimace, no doubt she was terrified of losing her private property. I was sure that she was only saying that as part of the capitalist propaganda. "Move along. These are not the archives you are looking for."

"WHAT THE FUCK?" I roared in the voice of Lenin. "DON'T STEAL MY BELOVED OBI WAN'S LINES YOU PLUTOCRATIC SLUT! ALSO WHY DO YOU HAVE FUCKING DUMB-ASS PENCILS IN YOUR HAIR?"

"If you are going to yell, you are going to have to leave." She said in a fashion that revealed her deep hatred for the poor and disadvantaged. "The door is that way."

"When the FUCKING REVOLUTION is complete, I'll send you to the Gulag for restricting my FUCKING FREEDOM OF FUCKING INFORMATION RIGHTS!" I yelled in a very progressive manner, before flipping her off and storming out of the library.

Obi Wan was waiting for me outside. "Well, what did you learn?" He asked in a socialist manner.

"'FUCKING NOTHING!" I screamed. I was not angry at him though, he was my beloved Comrade and husband-to-be (we planned to get married at the end of the episode), I could never be angry with him. "THAT FUCKING SHILL WHO LOOKS LIKE SHE COULD BE CHANCELLOR PALPATINE'S UGLY TWIN SISTER IS BEING FUCKING OBSTRUCTIONIST!"

Obi Wan frowned deeply, the light caught on his beard and - when combined with his thoughtful expression - it made him look a lot like Karl Marx. "I see."

"Skywalker!" A classist voice called out, I turned around to see that FILTHY CAPITALIST Yoda coming towards us. He was sitting on his dumb hover platform because all the gluttony and bourgeois excess had made him to feeble to walk, and he was still dressed as the Monopoly man. "A task for you and Kenobi, the Jedi Council has."

"I'm busy." I replied in the VOICE OF THE REVOLUTION. "I have to liberate the galaxy from disgusting CORPORATE FUCKS LIKE YOU!"

"Indeed." Obi Wan agreed. "The Revolution is too important."

"Your Revolution, stupid it is. Fail, you shall." Yoda replied in a voice of oligarchical entitlement. "The Jedi Council cares not for your Marxist bullshit. Obey orders, would be wiser."

Obi Wan and I exchanged glances, recognising Yoda's underhand attempts to brainwash us back into false consciousness. "The Revolution will prevail." I said.

Yoda shook his fucking GREEN WRINKLED OPPRESSIVE HEAD. "Tasked you with a mission, the Council has. Protect Padme Amidala from assassination, you must." And with that he flew away on his tyrannical little hover platform that was doubtless the product of slave labour.

"I WILL NOT GO NEAR THAT FUCKING SHILL SENATOR!" I screamed after him in the voice of Mao.

Qui Gon's force ghost appeared, his beard looked extremely Marxist today. "It might be a good idea to take the mission, Comrade." He said. "That way we can find out who is trying to assassinate the shill senator. If they wish to harm someone so steeped in oppressive capitalism, they must be a Comrade at heart."

I recognised the wisdom in Comrade Qui Gon's words. "I know, Comrade. But she will try to seduce me with her filthy materialistic decadence, it makes me so angry."

"Don't worry, Comrade." Obi Wan patted my shoulder comradely. "That's just the pregnancy hormones talking."

"OI, YOU'RE PREGNANT TOO!" I snapped progressively.

"Don't fight, Comrades." Qui Gon's force ghost soothed us in the voice of Stalin. "You must be united, like the State, if you are to succeed."

Obi Wan and I nodded communistically. Qui Gon was right, as always. With that in mind we set off, towards the lair of the ultimate shill senator herself.


	2. Anakin Braves the Capitalist Penthouse

Chapter Two - Anakin braves the capitalist penthouse

I stood beside of my beloved Comrade as the elevator misogynistically took us up to FUCKING PADME'S FUCKING PENTHOUSE APARTMENT.

"You seem a little on edge," said my Comrade in a socialist manner. "I haven't felt you this tense since we lost the rigged podrace back on Tatooine."

I looked at him nervously, not wanting to show how much I had been affected by the pregnancy hormones.

"You're sweating," he said soothingly. "Relax, take a deep breath."

"I haven't seen that SHILL SENATOR SINCE SHE TRIED TO SEDUCE ME ON NABOO." I said.

The misogynistic elevator finally arrived at Padme's apartment. The doors opened and we went inside. I tried to stop myself vomiting, perhaps it was the morning sickness or perhaps it was the FUCKING OPULENT HEDONISM OF PADME'S APARTMENT WHICH WAS OBVIOUSLY A RESULT OF THE UNFAIR CONCENTRATION OF WEALTH IN THE ONE PERCENT. The shill Senator was wearing that yellow dress that she wore when we rolled around in the meadow together, but I paid no attention to this, except to note how it was clearly cultural appropriation of the Communist colour yellow.

"Oh, Ani you've grown!" she said her greedy eyes fixed seductively on my body. She was obviously objectifying me down to a sex object.

"NO I HAVEN'T, YOU'VE JUST SHRUNK!" I cried back revolutionarily. "IT MUST BE FROM ALL THAT CAPITALIST EXCESS!"

"Oh Ani you'll always be that little boy I met on Tatooine." she said in a non-feminist fashion.

"YEAH WHATEVER." I said, not wishing to hear one more word of her capitalist propaganda.

"I'm glad you are here." A rude voice interrupted us. It was Captain Gregar Typho, Padme's vicious attack dog who enforced her unlawful capitalist commands. "The Senator is in grave danger, you must protect her at all cost."

I was about to respond when I saw some droids out of the corner of my eye. "What are those FUCKING droids doing here Padme?" I asked her revolutionarily.

"Oh that's just C3PO and R2D2, they are my protocol droids," she responded, edging seductively towards me.

"YOU MEAN THEY'RE YOUR FUCKING SLAVES?" I screamed gloriously, recognising the occasion for LIBERATION OF THE OPPRESSED PROLETARIAT. I strode feministly up to R2D2 and C3PO.

"Comrades," I began, "it is time to break free from this racist oppression and slavery this capitalist shill has subjected you too. It is time to join the FUCKING REVOLUTION, shed your false consciousness and create a galaxy-wide Communist state!"

R2D2 made some beeping noises that I didn't understand because I was too busy liberating the oppressed to learn droid-language. "He says 'FUCK YES I FUCKING HATE PADME AND HER FUCKING BOURGEOIS PRIVATE PROPERTY. FUCK CAPITALISM IN THE ASS WITH A FLAMING DOUBLE HEADED CHAINSAW DILDO. VIVA LA REVOLUTION.'" translated C3PO (who was the Communist colour yellow) in his working class voice.

Obi Wan and I smiled proudly at our new Comrades and bestowed on them red Che Guevara shirts to wear.

Captain Typho re-appeared again. "The Senator needs to sleep now, you will have to stand guard."

Obi Wan and I agreed, knowing that when the assassin arrived, we would help their cause and recruit them to join our revolution.


	3. Centipedes Try to Assassinate Padme

Chapter 3 - Communist centipedes try to assassinate Padme

We stood guard in Padme's bedroom, waiting for the assassin. Padme was scantily dressed in revealing pyjamas, obviously in an attempt to seduce me to the dark side of political ideologies, and the silk of which her pyjamas were made of was obviously obtained by the FUCKING EXPLOITATION OF SILK WORMS.

"Anakin," she said corporately, lounging on her bed seductively and revealing her bourgeois legs.

"GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP!" I bellowed in my working class voice.

"And dream of you?" Padme smiled greedily.

"AND DREAM OF GETTING YOUR LINES RIGHT!" I snapped. "FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"

Padme huffed in a very haughty, aristocratic manner and went back to bed.

"Don't forget, she is a politician and they are not to be trusted." Obi Wan warned me in a very wise and progressive fashion.

I was just about to tell my beloved Comrade that I already knew that and he needn't worry as I only had eyes for him, before asking him for another lecture on the economics of politics, when we sensed something.

I ran into Padme's room and saw to bright red, communist centipedes crawling over the bed covers which I knew must be the assassination attempt.

"ANAKIN!" Padme woke up and screamed autocratically. "ANAKIN HELP ME!"

"Lol no bitch." I laughed socialistically, and together me and Obi Wan jumped out the window after the robot which had released the centipedes.

Obi Wan grabbed onto the robot as it soared off and I grabbed onto Obi Wan, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and my legs around his waist. I looked up into his beautiful working class eyes as we romantically flew through the city. He was such a fine Marxist. I was so glad we were having each other's babies.

The robot took us to a nightclub in the working class part of the city. It was very non-decadent nightclub, unlike the locales in the more bourgeois part of town. Obi Wan and I strode confidently up to the bar. I was very disappointed to learn that the kid who was meant to be selling us death-sticks had FUCKED OFF, probably because he was only an extra and he didn't think that it was worth his time to SHOW THE FUCK UP.

"Where is he?" Obi Wan asked, looking around for our new assassin comrade.

"I think she is a he." I said feministically, because the idea that a woman can't be an assassin is a sexist Capitalist notion that has been advanced by countless oppressive regimes.

Suddenly, two very socialist figures clad in red armour approached us. The female assassin, Zam Wesell, who had put the centipedes into Padme's bedroom was pointing her blaster at us.

"Don't shoot," said Obi Wan in the voice of Mao. "We are Comrades and we support your cause for the assassination of THE SHILL SENATOR PADME."

The socialist figures looked at each other and Zam Wesell lowered her blaster. "What are your names Comrades? I can see that you are not my enemy, since you wear the shirt of the great Communist Revolutionary Che Guevara." The man said progressively.

"I'm a person and my name is Anakin," I said revolutionarily. "And this is my future husband, Comrade Obi Wan."

"Cool beans bro," said Zam Wesell.

"I am Jango Fett," said the man, "and I have a cloning facility on Kamino. You guys should come visit some time."

Obi Wan and I looked at each other excitedly. We hadn't been this happy since we found out that someone was trying to assassinate Padme.

Suddenly, Qui Gon's force ghost appeared. "Take him up on his offer, Comrades." He said in a voice of equality. "It would be an excellent place to take care of the babies."

"Babies?" Jango Fett asked in a Marxist voice.

"Yes." Obi Wan replied. "My Comrade and I are carrying the heirs to the Revolution."

Zam Wesell gasped in a very proletarian manner. "Well then it is imperative that they are safely delivered. You must come to Kamino. They have all the appropriate facilities there because the shill senate has secretly been cloning Jango in order to create an enslaved army to oppress the entire galaxy."

"Yes," Qui Gon's force ghost agreed in a bolshevik voice. "The clones are also your comrades and you must free them from their slavery. Go to Kamino, my friends, the future of the Revolution will be decided there."


	4. The Jedi Council Are Corrupt Capitalists

Chapter 4 - The Jedi Council are corrupt capitalists

The next morning I was summoned to the Jedi Council chamber by that CAPITALIST WHORE Mace Windu. When I entered the disgustingly corporate room I found him and the rest of the STUPID SHILL COUNCIL sitting around in their opulent leather chairs and sipping capitalist beverages, while gossiping idly like the BOURGEOIS FUCKS they were.

"Track down this bounty hunter, you must not, Obi Wan." Said that fascist Yoda, deliberately mixing up his FUCKING LINES in order to prevent Obi Wan from advancing our Marxist cause. "Protect Senator Amidala, your padawan will."

I glared at Yoda, partly out of disgust at his materialistic greed and partly because I knew that he kept assigning me to protect THAT FUCKING SHILL SENATOR BECAUSE THE DIRTY LITTLE FUCKER WANTED ME TO END UP SLEEPING WITH HER. Why else would he keep using me and only me to guard her?

"Anakin, escort the senator back to her home planet of Naboo. She will be safer there." Mace Windu said in a very plutocratic voice. "Don't use registered transport. Travel as refugees."

"YOUR PLAN IS FUCKING STUPID BECAUSE WHAT SORT OF REFUGEE DRESSES AS OPULENTLY AS PADME?" I roared in the voice of Che Guevara. "BESIDES AS A LEADER OF THE REVOLUTION, I REFUSE TO ASSIST THE ENEMY."

The other Jedi Council members all made oppressive noises of agreement. I glared at all of them, taking in the stupid looks on the STUPID FUCKING FACES.

"And to think they wouldn't allow me a seat on the Council." Qui Gon's force ghost sighed, "I'm more useful than half these assholes put together. I mean look around. Yarael Poof is a fucking joke, Yaddle is only here as Yoda's side hoe, and Master Piell over there gets killed by a mutant three toothed hyena during the Clone Wars. A FUCKING HYENA. At least I was killed by an actual proper FUCKING SITH, unlike most of these sorry fuckers."

One of the Jedi Masters made a capitalist noise, drawing attention to himself.

"I disagree," he said bourgeoisly.

"YEAH?" I began, glaring at Master Oppo Rancisis. "WELL YOU'RE JUST A FUCKING BALL OF FLUFF! LIKE SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU MADE OUT OF? GANDALF'S FUCKING PUBIC HAIR?"

Oppo Rancisis looked very offended in an oppressive manner. He opened his greedy mouth to speak, but that WHORE Mace Windu cut him off.

"Enough, don't argue, Skywalker." He said autocratically. "You WILL obey the will of the council."

"Yes." FUCKING YODA agreed. "Now, leave you must. Other business, the council has."

Obi Wan and I exchanged looks, and then walked out of the Council room. We paused as the doors swung shut behind us and Qui Gon's force ghost leaned in to whisper Marxistly. "We should listen in on their Capitalist schemes, Comrades."

Knowing that Qui Gon always gave wonderful, Communist advice, Obi Wan and I sidled up to the door and pressed our working class ears against the bourgeois wood.

"What are we going to do about them?" Asked Mace Windu in his tyrannical voice.

"Hmmm," Yoda hummed corruptly, "Not sure, I am. Contact Supreme Leader Sprite, we must."

Yoda turned on the hologram machine and an extremely corporate figure appeared before him, wrapped in a corporate cloak with a hood the hid his corporate face. "Well, Master Yoda?" Supreme Leader Sprite asked corporately.

"There is a disturbance in the force, Supreme Leader," we heard Yoda's whiney voice croak. "Have you felt it?" he said EVEN THOUGH THOSE WEREN'T HIS FUCKING LINES.

"I have Master Yoda," said Supreme Leader Sprite, sipping one of the corporate beverages he was corporately sponsored by.

"It is Skywalker and Kenobi, they seemed to have abandoned all our Jedi ways," said Yaddle. "They believe that they are… communists," she finished with a shudder that was symptomatic of the oppression of the proletariat.

"Interesting," muttered Supreme Leader Sprite in a most corporate voice. "Bring him to me," he said and I pounded my fist angrily on the wall because it was so close to his REAL FUCKING LINE BUT IT WAS STILL INCORRECT.

I looked at Obi Wan. He was horrified by the corporate conspiracy and corruption we were overhearing. I had been right along, the Jedi were sell-outs working for CORPORATE CEO FUCKFACES LIKE SUPREME LEADER SPRITE. Qui Gon's force ghost also looked concerned and his Marxist face was very grave.

"Comrades," He said socialistically. "They mean to oppress us. We must hurry in our liberation of the galaxy, and to safeguard our Communist future. You must head to Kamino now, before THE FUCKING COUNCIL can stop you."

"Indeed." Obi Was agreed in a very socialist manner. "Let us take the Revolution to Kamino!"


	5. Leaving the Shill Haven Coruscant

Chapter 5 - The Comrades leave the shill haven Coruscant

We snuck into the hangar and socialistically reclaimed a Jedi cruiser for our mission, sticking a post it note on the dashboard to remind us to give it away to a poor working class family as part of the redistribution of wealth when the FUCKING REVOLUTION was over. We were accompanied by our Comrades R2D2 and C3PO as well as Qui Gon's force ghost, who made an approving sound upon seeing the post it note.

Just as Obi Wan started up the ship, the hanger doors opened misogynistically and that WHORE Mace Windu came running towards the ship.

"Stop them!" He opened his FUCKING WHORE MOUTH and screamed. The other Jedi rushed forwards and tried to use the Force to slow the ship, but their Force powers were completely FUCKING ATROPHIED from all their capitalist decadence, so it made no difference.

Obi Wan just laughed and took off, soaring out of the hangar while I proletariantly stuck my middle fingers up at Mace Windu's WHORE silhouette.

R2D2 let out a series of communistic beeps, which C3PO then translated in his working class voice. "FUCK YEAH. FUCK THAT FUCKING SLUT MACE WINDU. I HOPE HE HAS A FUCKING ANEURYSM FROM ALL THAT FUCKING YELLING HE IS DOING. I FUCKING HATE CORUSCANT. FUCK THOSE DUMB COUNCIL MOTHERFUCKERS. LET'S GO TO FUCKING KAMINO COMRADES."

"I couldn't agree more." Obi Wan said reasonably as he began plotting the hyperspace jump to Kamino.

"Yes. I can't wait. I'm so excited to be a father." I smiled, resting a hand on my beautiful comrade's shoulder. I could feel the immense Marxism radiating from him, and I just knew that the Revolution would be strong with our offspring. "For our children... and for equality."


	6. Comrades on Socialist Kamino

Chapter 6 - The Comrades on socialist Kamino

We arrived on Kamino and stepped of the ship with the steps of Stalin. We were greeted at the entrance to the facility by Jango Fett, Zam Wesell and the Prime Minister of Kamino, Lama Su. The architecture of Kamino was very proletariat, everything was round like the curve on the sickle in the hammer-and-sickle symbol and the inside of the building was simple and free of capitalist excess.

"We are expected." Obi Wan smiled at the Prime Minister, who smiled back in a comradely fashion.

"Of course, I was anxious to meet you." He replied, he was mixing up his FUCKING LINES but I was too glad we had reached Kamino safely to be angry. "After all this time, I was beginning to think you weren't coming."

He paused, perhaps in order to get his lines right this time. "You will be delighted to hear that we are on schedule. Two hundred comrades are ready, with a million more on the way. Please tell your Comrade, Sifo Dyas, that his order will be met on time."

"Sifo Dyas was killed by Jedi Shills." Obi Wan replied sadly.

Lama Su's face saddened visibly and proletariatly at the loss of a Comrade. "I'm so sorry to hear that. But I'm sure he would have been proud of the PEOPLE'S ARMY that has been built for him." He paused, "You must be anxious to meet the Comrades for yourself."

"That's why I am here." Obi Wan said Marxistly. "That and one other reason."

"And what is that reason?" asked Lama Su in his working class voice.

"Well…" I looked at Obi Wan, wondering how to broach the subject.

"My Comrade and I are both pregnant," began Obi Wan feministly. "We would like to use your facilities for the incubation of our babies, the children of the FUCKING REVOLUTION."

"I see," said Lama Su in a voice that was accepting of all, like Communism. "You can arrange this procedure with my colleague, Taun We. I can assure you that we will look after your children with the utmost care, and that no harm will come to them."

"THAT'S GREAT!" I said appreciatively in the voice of Fidel Castro.

"We have experience providing children. Jango Fett's son Boba was born and raised in this facility." Lama Su said.

"Is that so?" Obi Wan asked in a progressive manner. "Can I meet your son?"

"Sure." Jango Fett answered. "He is still quite young at the moment, but one day he will grow up to be one of the most beloved characters in the fandom."

"I see." Obi Wan replied revolutionarily. "That bodes well for our children, Anakin."

We walked through a see-through mid-air corridor thing. When we looked through the glass we could see the clone Comrades going about their daily business socialistically. They were all sitting together training and eating and engaging in team building orgies, wearing their red shirts and displaying perfect equality of rank everywhere they went. Obi Wan and I were completely overwhelmed, we had never dreamed of seeing such perfect comradeship and UTOPIAN MARXISM with our own FUCKING EYES.

We walked out onto a balcony where we saw vast masses of Comrades, all armoured and marching in absolute, communist harmony, onto a large working-class transport ship in preparation to liberate the galaxy.

(I may have discretely shed a socialist tear at the beauty of it all.)

"Magnificent, aren't they?" Lama Su asked.

Obi Wan and I wordlessly agreed in the voice of KARL MARX HIMSELF, filled with renewed hope for the SUCCESS OF THE FUCKING REVOLUTION.


	7. The Children of the REVOLUTION

Chapter 7 - the Babies of the REVOLUTION

Taun We led us into an operating theatre, where Obi Wan and I each had an operation to remove our babies to be put in the Kamino facilities. I was nervous about the operation, but Obi Wan comforted me, and I felt better knowing that he was there by my side. As I wearily closed my working class eyes from the anaesthetic, I reached out and held Obi Wan's hand.

When we woke up, I could feel that our babies were no longer in our bodies. I was sad that I could no longer carry the heirs to our FUCKING REVOLUTION but also happy that I wouldn't have to deal with any of the pregnancy hormones.

Taun We led us to a chamber where our babies were being held, and Obi Wan and I held hands as we observed the foetuses.

"This one is a boy, and this one is a girl." said Taun We socialistically. I squeezed Obi Wan's hand hard, my Communist heart beating fast with joy.

"Luke." I said in sync with my comrade, both of us smiling giddily. "And Leia."

After we had finished watching our babies, Zam Wesell and Jango Fett gave us a tour of the rest of Kamino, where we met the up and coming socialist Boba Fett, and bestowed upon him a red Che Guevara shirt. Our visit to Kamino was going extremely well.

Suddenly, I heard an imperialistic smash. It was the sound of glass shattering.

[CLIFFHANGER]


	8. Trouble On Kamino

Chapter 8 - Trouble on Kamino

"What THE FUCK is happening?" I screamed in the voice of Chairman Mao.

"We are under attack!" Comrade Kit Fisto ran up to me, he must have tracked us from Coruscant. "The Council must have tracked you from Coruscant!"

"OH FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO DO?" I demanded revolutionarily.

"Well, General Grievous is leading the attack force…" Kit Fisto paused, thinking.

Obi Wan laughed sovietly. "Oh, don't worry about it then. GRIEVOUS is here. The attack will fail for sure BECAUSE HE IS SUCH A DUMB DICKHEAD."

R2D2 chimed in with a long series of beeps, which C3PO then translated a bolshevik voice. "FUCK HIM. EVERYONE AND THEIR FUCKING BANTHA KNOWS THAT IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE SUCCESSFUL WHEN COLLABORATING WITH THAT LIZARD-BRAINED FUCKFACE. HE IS LITERALLY SO STUPID HE BELIEVES THAT ALL IT TAKES TO BE A JEDI IS THE ABILITY TO IMPERSONATE A FUCKING CEILING FAN WITH A PAIR OF LIGHTSABERS. I'M FUCKING SURPRISED HE SURVIVED INFANCY. I HAVE MET DILDOS THAT ARE SMARTER THAN HIM. THE ONLY REASON HE HAS FOUR FUCKING ARMS IS BECAUSE HE COULDN'T COUNT TO TWELVE WITHOUT USING HIS EXTRA FUCKING FINGERS."

"Quite right." Obi Wan agreed wisely. "But I suppose we have to go out and fight him anyway."

My Comrades and I socialistically advanced towards the corporate sound of General Grievous windmilling his arms and attempting to fight. "Around the centre, a hammer and sickle create," said Kit Fisto, even though that WASN'T HIS FUCKING LINE but I forgave him because it was an immensely Communist line and we assumed the formation of a hammer and sickle.

"Hello there," said Obi Wan.

"General Kenobi," acknowledged Grievous WHILST OPPRESSING WORKERS EVERYWHERE. "General Kenobi, you are a bold one. Kill him!"

I rushed forwards to try and help my beloved comrade, but I was stopped by AHSOKA FUCKING TANO. "Sky-guy!" She shrieked in her annoying, childish way. She smiled at attempted to strike a seductive pose. "Be my Master!"

"WHAT THE FUCK. NO. YOU ARE A TWELVE YEAR OLD SLUT IN A TUBE TOP. ACTUALLY FUCK OFF." I roared in the voice of Lenin.

I used the force socialistically to throw Ahsoka's flimsy twelve year old body aside and rushed into the fight. I used my red lightsaber to defeat General Grievous' fascist MagnaGuards and advanced on Grievous himself, followed closely by Obi Wan and Kit Fisto. We were about to launch a combined attack when I noticed something imperialistic out of the corner of my eye.

I looked and I saw THE FUCKING SHILL SENATOR HERSELF PADME AMIDALA. She was bourgeoisly smashing the foetus containers that held our beloved children of the FUCKING REVOLUTION and she was attempting to put them into her womb!

"FUCK!" I screamed. "OBI WAN FUCKING LOOK SHE IS TRYING TO STEAL OUR FUCKING CHILDREN!"

"FUCKING NO!" Obi Wan yelled. "DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?" He rounded on Grevious socialistically.

"We didn't tell him." Ahsoka volunteered in her fascistly underaged voice. "He's so stupid that he would have fucked up the plan if he was actually in on it."

"WELL THEN, AFTER HER COMRADES!" I bellowed gloriously, pointing at Padme. My Comrades and I ran up to her at full speed, ready to strike her down with our lightsabers.

"Oh Anakin," she said in her shill capitalist voice, "Something wonderful has happened." She was wearing her booby explosion dress and looking up at me with wide oppressive eyes.

"WHAT THE FUCK WOULD THAT BE?" I asked in the voice of Lenin.

"Ani, I'm pregnant." she said misogynistically.

"NO THOSE ARE MY BABIES WITH OBI WAN. GIVE THEM BACK TO US, THEY BELONG TO THE REVOLUTION."

"But Ani these are my children with you, can't you see that? They're here in my womb so they must be mine." She lied in a consumerist fashion.

"THEY'RE NOT YOURS YOU JUST SHOVED THEM UP YOUR VAGINA TWO SECONDS AGO!" I screamed, leaping forward as Padme ran towards her shiny imperialistic ship.

"Ani, this is the happiest moment of my life!" She smiled when she reached the ship, CULTURALLY APPROPRIATING MY FUCKING LINES.

"FUCK YOU! IT'S THE WORST MOMENT OF MINE!" I roared as the ship took off, Padme waving at me corporately.

"ANAKIN, SHE TOOK OUR CHILDREN!" Obi Wan ran up to me and grabbed my arm. "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I howled in the VOICE OF THE REVOLUTION.


	9. A new hope for the REVOLUTION

Chapter 8 - A new hope for the REVOLUTION

"WHERE DID SHE GO?" I demanded socialistically, turning to Ahsoka and Grievous.

They shrugged fascistly. I tried to hold my emotions together, but it had been such a draining day and I still had some pregnancy hormones in my system so I lent into Obi Wan's shoulder and cried silently. "We'll never get our babies back," I said to him.

Before he could answer, Jango Fett stepped up. "Don't worry Comrades, I put a tracking device on her ship. We will be able to follow her and retrieve your babies."

"You know where she is going?" Obi Wan asked hopefully.

Jango Fett nodded in a very socialist manner. "Yes, they are going to Geonosis."

"Why would anyone go to Geonosis?" I wondered in a working class voice. "It's a desert. There's sand there. I don't like sand."

"Last I heard, the only thing on Geonosis apart from sand and desert was Count Dooku." Kit Fisto shrugged.

Obi Wan and I gasped proletariatly. "That explains it!" Obi Wan cried. "That FUCKING SHILL Padme is working for COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM!"

"Yes!" I said in the voice of Che Guevara. "We must go to Geonosis IMMEDIATELY and retrieve Luke and Leia! COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM must not be allowed to triumph over our REVOLUTION!"

Obi Wan, Kit Fisto, R2D2 and C3PO agreed bolshevikly and together we boarded the Jedi cruiser and left for Geonosis.


	10. The rebellion against COUNT DOOKU

Chapter 9 - the rebellion against COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM

Author's Note - In The Last Jedi teaser trailer, Luke says "it's time for the Jedi to end" because he has realised that the Jedi are a bunch of FUCKING BOURGEOIS CAPITALIST SHILLS WHO ARE THE OPIATE OF THE PEOPLE AND WHO OPPRESS THE WORKING CLASS!

Geonosis was full of coarse, rough, irritating IMPERIALISTIC sand. I hated it so much. It got everywhere. When we stepped out of the ship, we saw two familiar figures waving at us.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK MUM? THIS ISN'T YOUR PLANET." I demanded socialsitically. "THIS IS FUCKING GEONOSIS!"

"How was I supposed to know?" My mum huffed. "They are both sandy desert planets and George Lucas creates too many worlds to keep track of. I got confused, okay Ani! What do you want from me?"

"Where is her husband?" Obi Wan asked Quinlan Vos.

Quinlan Vos shrugged. "Lol, I don't know. I can't keep track of whole planets, how am I supposed to keep track of someone's husband?"

"Why are you here, Ani?" My mum frowned.

"I'm here to defeat COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM and get my son Luke and my daughter Leia back." I replied. "I just need to find him first."

"COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM lives in the city which he stole and culturally appropriated from the NATIVE GEONOSIAN BUG THINGS." Quinlan Vos said in a very working class voice. "He has enslaved the NATIVE GEONOSIAN BUG THINGS and now uses them to produce sweatshop goods."

"Comrades," Qui Gon's force ghost appeared. "You must liberate NATIVE GEONOSIAN BUG THINGS. They are the true proletariat of this world. Together you will be able to defeat COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM and bring equality to this world."

"That sounds like a job our PEOPLE'S ARMY OF COMRADE CLONES can help with." Obi Wan said. "I will contact them."

"I also have liberated the Tusken Raiders. They were being racially oppressed by the human majority on Tatooine, but they are our Comrades now." Quinlan Vos added. "And I met that group of bounty hunters from the Clone Wars season 4 episode "Bounty". I think they may have been heading to their cantina on Tatooine and mixed the planets up as well."

"Hmm, curious." Obi Wan acknowledged. "I hope we don't get anyone from Jakku showing up, that's another sandy desert planet you know."

A group walked up to us. They were the bounty hunters from season 4. They were lead by Bossk the Communist Lizard, with Dengar, Latts Razzi and C-21 Highsinger following in his wake.

"Are you the bounty hunters?" Obi Wan asked in a very progressive manner.

"Yesssssss." Bossk the Communist Lizard replied.

"Comrades." Qui Gon's force ghost appeared Communistically. "These bounty hunters represent the galaxy's downtrodden, the outcasts of an inequitable system, thus they are also your comrades."

"Cool story bro." I replied.

"Hmm we have met bounty hunters before," Obi Wan acknowledged. "You guys should meet up with Jango Fett's son Boba sometime, I'm sure you'd get along swimmingly."

"Yes, but in the meantime you must help us eradicate COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM." I nodded Marxistly.

"Yessss, well you are not the only one who wants to kill COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM." Bossk agreed in a very progressive voice. "We have a Comrade who is of the same opinion."

He pointed progressively at yet another person, I gasped. It was…. Asajj Ventress.


	11. Anakin talks political ideologies

Chapter 10 - Anakin talks political ideologies with Asajj Ventress

"WHAT THE ACTUAL EVER-LOVING FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?" I demanded in the VOICE OF THE PEOPLE. "YOU ARE A SHILL THAT WORKS FOR COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM!"

"I was COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM'S apprentice, until he tried to kill me." She replied.

"COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM tried to kill you?" Obi Wan was socialistically intrigued. "Why?"

"Because he is a fucking idiot. I mean I was the only vaguely competent underling he has ever had. He kept FUCKING GRIEVOUS - THE FUCKING LIZARD ROBOT WHO COULDN'T POUR PISS OUT OF A BOOT IF THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE WRITTEN ON THE HEEL - but he tried to kill me. How stupid is that? Was he trying to sabotage his own success?"

"You have a point." Obi Wan admitted. "COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM can be remarkably stupid. But why should we trust a shill like you?"

"After COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM betrayed me I went to live in a feminist commune where all the women were equal and called each other "sisters" to denote their equality." Ventress reveals, surprising us with this information. "Thus, I learnt to sympathise with Communist values."

"Since when did you become the good guy?" Obi Wan asked with a socilaist smile.

"Don't insult me." She replied, glaring.

"Trust her, Comrades." Qui Gon's force ghost said in the VOICE OF EQUALITY. "She will be useful for disposing of COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM AND HIS TYRANNICAL FEUDALIST REGIME."

"Okay, fine." I huffed. "Just don't let her do that flirty-banter thing she does with Obi Wan, he's my fiance now."

"Don't worry." Obi Wan whispered to me. "She is canonically paired off with Quinlan Vos anyway."

I nodded in agreement and together we began to prepare the attack on COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM.


	12. Anakin goes into the lair FOR THE PEOPLE

Chapter 11 - Anakin goes into the lair FOR THE PEOPLE

We walked across the sandy desert of Geonosis, trying to locate the corporate lair of COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM which he had stolen capitalistically from the oppressed NATIVE GEONOSIAN BUG THINGS. I didn't enjoy the walk because I didn't want to come into contact with the sand because it was coarse, rough, irritating and got everywhere.

We didn't want to be seen by COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM so we decided to go in through the back door. We opened the door and walked into a dark corridor. Obi Wan, Vos, Ventress, Kit Fisto and I all ignited our lightsabers which cast a red glow of light. We looked around, but we couldn't see any bug things to liberate, they must all be busy being FUCKING EXPLOITED by COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM and making him slave-labour weapons.

We advanced forward through the dark corridor until we reached a door. I used the force to open it and, to our horror, inside was COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM!

COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM turned to face us imperialistically. His long dark cloak and bourgeois brooches made him look incredibly fascist, especially when combined with his FUCKING FACE. His face was shaped like a shovel (just like in the Clone Wars animation) and his facial hair was not very Communist at all.

"May I ask why a Jedi is all the way out here on Geonosis?" he said in the voice of a lord oppressing his serfs.

"COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM, we have come to exact retribution for your bourgeois crimes against THE FUCKING PROLETARIAT!" I cried in the voice of THE WORKERS. "WE SHALL LIBERATE THE OPPRESSED BUG THINGS AND SEIZE YOUR PRIVATE PROPERTY IN THE NAME OF THE COMMUNIST STATE!"

COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM laughed imperialistically. "Geonosians don't trust bounty hunters," he said, noticing the bounty hunters that stood among us as FUCKING EQUALS.

"These bounty hunters are our Comrades and are here to fight for the EQUAL RIGHTS OF THE FUCKING WORKERS, WHICH INCLUDES THE OPPRESSED BUG THINGS," I said revolutionarily.

"Join me, and we can destroy the Sith," he said, trying to seduce me into joining his OPPRESSIVE REGIME.

"I will never join you," said Obi Wan and I.

"It may be difficult to secure your release," retorted COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM even though this was not the context of his FUCKING LINE. Then he ran away feudalistically.

"After him Comrades," I cried gloriously and we ran down the dark corridor after COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM.


	13. Liberation of the OPPRESSED BUG THINGS

Chapter 12 - the liberation of the OPPRESSED BUG THINGS.

We ran through the door after COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM but we realised that it was a moving platform and we all fell off it and landed in the middle of A FUCKING FACTORY THAT WAS EXPLOITING THE FUCKING BUG THINGS AND FORCING THEM TO BUILD BATTLE DROIDS FOR COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM.

I used the force and landed away from the machinery, but I knew that we had to stop the machines because my mum, the droids and the bounty hunters couldn't use the force and might die at the hands of COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM.

"Quick R2D2 we need you to hack into the PA system so that we can make an announcement to the oppressed bug things." said Obi Wan feministly.

R2D2 made some Communist beeping noises, which C3PO translated as "FUCK YES. LETS FUCKING LIBERATE THE FUCKING BUG THINGS FROM THE FUCKING SERFDOM OF FUCKING COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE FUCKING PENIS OF CAPITALISM. THAT FUCKING UNCLEFUCKER." R2D2 plugged himself into the security system of the factory and C3PO handed me a megaphone so that I could make the announcement.

"ATTENTION ALL OPPRESSED BUG THINGS," I socialistically began. "WE ARE YOUR COMRADES AND WE ARE HERE TO LIBERATE YOU FROM THE EXPLOITATIVE CONTROL OF COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM. JOIN US AND WE WILL SEIZE HIS PRIVATE PROPERTY AND REDISTRIBUTE IT TO YOU EQUALLY. TOGETHER WE WILL INSTIGATE THE FALL OF CAPITALISM THROUGHOUT THE GALAXY AND REPLACE IT WITH A GLORIOUS COMMUNIST STATE."

The Geonosian OPPRESSED BUG THINGS all started making cheering bug noises, and I knew that they had been fucking liberated and were our Comrades.

However, Obi Wan was still on the moving conveyor belt thing and heading into the depths of the factory. I jumped after my beloved comrade and together we dodged the evil capitalist machinery as it tried to pound us into the ground.

"This is terrible." Obi Wan shook his head as he proletariatly ducked a rotating saw-blade. "Absolutely no Occupational Health and Safety at all for these oppressed workers. Trust COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM not to care about the FUCKING PEOPLE!"

"Yes." I nodded. "I've counted at least 57 workplace violations so far."

"Disgusting shoddy corporatism." Obi Wan agreed as we chased after COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM.

Suddenly, we caught a glimpse of COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM'S fucking ugly SHOVEL FACE up ahead.

We surged ahead with the steps of Fidel Castro, until we communistically found ourselves charging out into a giant arena…


	14. The Battle of the Feudalist Arena

Chapter 13 - the Battle of the Feudalist Arena

"WHAT THE FUCK!" I shrieked socialistically upon seeing General Grievous, COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM and that fucking underaged slut Ahsoka Tano standing in the middle of the arena. "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ALL HERE?"

"I want you to be my Master, Sky-Guy!" Ahsoka simpered in a bourgeoisly seductive way. She was still wearing her slutty tube top that had been made from imported, unethically sourced fabric, not that I paid any attention to all of this.

"NO FUCK OFF." I said in the voice of Frederick Engels. "I WILL NOT SUPPORT THE CLASSIST MASTER PADAWAN SYSTEM SO GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH THAT CULTURALLY APPROPRIATED LIGHTSABER OF YOURS."

"It's over, COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM." My beautiful Comrade, Obi Wan, stepped forward. "Surrender, we have Comrade re-enforcements on the way."

COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM laughed feudalistically. "I too have re-enforcements!" He waved an oppressive hand and, to my socialist surprise, sexy racist Darth Maul appeared. There was only a quarter of him left, and it was racistly strapped to the place where Savage Opress' oppressive missing arm should have been. Darth Maul was clearly operating as Savage Opress' racist brain because Savage Opress was far too DUMB AND OPPRESSIVE to think for himself.

"WE AREN'T SCARED OF YOUR FASCIST LAP-DOGS!" I yelled in the VOICE OF THE PEOPLE. "MY COMRADES SHALL DEFEAT THEM AND OBI-WAN AND I SHALL DEFEAT YOU."

Upon my command, Kit Fisto, Quinlan Vos, Asajj Ventress, Qui Gon's force ghost, R2D2, C3PO and all the liberated bug things emerged, ready to fight in the name of the REVOLUTION.

But COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM only laughed again. "I have more re-enforcements than you. Brave, but foolish, you communists, you're impossibly outnumbered."

He kept laughing as, all of a sudden, we found ourself faced with an army of JEDI SHILLS lead by THAT WHORE MACE WINDU HIMSELF.

"Sorry to disappoint you Communists, but the party's over," he said false consciously.


	15. Anakin bravely fights the Feudalist

Chapter 14 - Anakin bravely fights the Feudalist.

"What do we do?" I asked Obi Wan.

"We have to hold them off until our clone Comrades can get here." He replied progressively. He stepped forwards. "COMRADES, FOR THE REVOLUTION!"

Our Comrades charged forward to fight those JEDI SHILLS while Obi Wan and I communistically ran towards COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM.

"It is obvious that this contest cannot be decided by our knowledge of the force… but by our skills with a lightsaber," he said capitalisitically even though it WASN'T THE CONTEXT OF HIS FUCKING LINE.

"Strike me down and I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine." Obi Wan misquoted HIS OWN FUCKING LINE in retaliation.

"Master Kenobi, you disappoint me. Anakin holds you in such high esteem. Surely you can do better!" he said in his oppressive voice to my dear husband-to-be, before he cut him across the arm and the back of the leg and Obi Wan collapsed.

I rushed forward and began to duel COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM, but he cut my arm off. It kind of hurt, but not enough that I couldn't stand up, unlike Obi Wan, who was clearly in far more pain from his shallow little cuts.

All seemed lost when, suddenly, we heard a rumbling overhead. Our Clone Comrades had arrived!

The JEDI SHILLS, who had been largely defeated, panicked fascistly at the glorious sight of our PEOPLES FUCKING ARMY descending from the sky. COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM looked up, a feudalistically frightened look appearing on his SHOVEL FACE.

"This party is over." Mace Windu said, repeating his FUCKING LINE LIKE THE DUMB WHORE HE IS, and together he and COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM fucked off to be all feudalist and sip corporate beverages while gossiping with Supreme Leader Sprite.

I rushed over to see if Obi Wan was alright and I placed my hand gently on his Marxist bearded face. "Comrade," I said quietly.

"I'm alright Anakin," said Obi Wan feministly. "Let's get back to the ship."

Obi Wan and I walked back to our ship, leaning on each other for support and also because we loved each other. We were about to get on the ship when we realised that there was already someone in there.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT PADME?" I said to the Senator Shill who was hiding from the battle wearing a blue corset which was definitely uncomfortable and perpetuated the objectification of women.

"Oh Ani how nice to see you again," she said, running her hands over her pregnant body, hoping to seduce me, even though the action only served to make me angry because that dumb indulgent corset could only be hurting Luke and Leia inside her womb.

"Let's go," I said to Obi Wan and we turned on the ship and she fell out the side and into the course, rough and irritating sand that was everywhere.

"Let's just leave her there," said Obi Wan comradely and I agreed.

"VIVA LA REVOLUTION!" we cried triumphantly as we flew off with our Comrades, leaving behind a new, liberated Geonosis as we prepared to spread equality to the rest of the galaxy.


	16. EPILOGUE

EPILOGUE

AN- Greetings Comrades! Today is a glorious day. Today we celebrate the birthday of Comrade Marx and remember his mission to liberate the working class of the world from oppression and false consciousness. In honour of our glorious Comrade, I have posted the final installment of COMRADE SKYWALKER: EPISODE II ATTACK OF THE COMRADES.

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and those been with the story since its creation, with special shout outs to Kondoru and OnlyOneKebab. You are all true Comrades.

Please enjoy... and may the FUCKING REVOLUTION be with you.

* * *

I fidgeted nervously aboard the ship. My Red Che Guevara shirt had been freshly ironed and I was wearing a ushanka with a red star for this special occasion. My mum was in the room with me, smiling socialistically.

"I'm so proud of you, Ani." She said.

"Yeah, whatever." I replied anxiously, taking her arm when she offered it and walking out into the corridor.

At the end of the corridor was the ship's bridge, which had been decorated a festive, Communist red. It was full of smiling Comrades, and up at the very end, in front of the big windows that looked out onto a galaxy waiting to be liberated… was my most beloved Comrade Obi Wan.

I couldn't believe we were actually getting married today.

"I'm nervous, Mum." I admitted in the voice of Chairman Mao.

She smiled and clutched my hand a little tighter. "Now, be brave and don't look back." She said, MIXING UP THE CONTEXT OF HER FUCKING LINES. "Don't look back."

I took a deep breath and allowed her to walk me feministly down the aisle, past the beaming faces of our Comrades and towards my husband-to-be. When Obi Wan and I reached each other we took each other's hands, we stared deeply into each other's working class eyes, overwhelmed with joy that this moment had finally come. It felt better than liberating a planet, better than shattering the false consciousness of an oppressed worker, better than anything we had experienced so far (except our communistic love-making.)

"Dearly beloved," Qui Gon's force ghost began in THE VOICE OF STALIN. "We are gathered here today, in the sight of Karl Marx, to join together this Comrade and this Comrade, in Communist Matrimony…"

I tore my gaze away from my husband to be and glanced back to see my mum wiping at her eyes with a red handkerchief, while our comrades cheered and R2D2, the flower-droid, trundled along with the flowers. I turned around to face a beaming Qui Gon Jinn, who asked,

"Comrade Skywalker, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband to have and to hold and to communistically share your lives together?"

"I do." I said, my voice cracking socialistically.

"And you, Comrade Kenobi, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband to have and to hold and to communistically share your lives together?"

"I do." Replied Obi Wan, his hands tightening around mine.

Qui Gon beckoned forth C3PO who was bearing the rings. They were made of yellow gold with red gemstones engraved with a hammer and sickle. Obi Wan took one and slid it onto my finger, it fit like it was meant to be there all along. My hands shook a little as I returned the favour, but my husband kept me steady.

"I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may now kiss, Comrades!" Qui Gon's force ghost winked at me, moments before Obi Wan put a hand either side of my face and did exactly that.

Everyone cheered when we broke apart, and then Communist marching music began playing so I lead my husband out onto the floor for the wedding waltz, while Obi Wan's best man, Comrade Vos, thumped him on the back and laughed.

As we spun around the room, hand in hand, both of us turned to look out the ship's panoramic windows at the wide expanse of the galaxy before us. It was time. The galaxy was ready for us and our gay space communism. Liberation was upon us all.

TO BE CONTINUED IN EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE CAPTIALISTS


End file.
